GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
My name is Mandy and I’m your narrator. I’d like to welcome you aboard. You will be reading at the approximate speed of 350 words per minute. Total reading time will be about ten minutes.
At this time I’d like to point out several of the safety features of this story. Exits are located at the end of every line, and also at the beginning and middle of every line. In fact, you can stop reading whenever you want to.
Although it is unlikely you’ll have to use one, a dictionary is located at your local public library Should you come to a word you don’t understand, please continue to breath normally. Extinguish all smoking materials. Look the word up.
This is your writer speaking. Welcome to my story. I apologize for our delay in getting started. We were in a holding pattern with a number of other stories trying to get onto this book. We’ll try to make up the time by cutting corners -- terse sentences, keeping plot developments to a minimum, and so on.
Well, folks, the introduction is over. If you look below, you’ll see the plot and a few major characters.
Mandy again. I’m happily married to Joel, a terrific taxidermist and a wonderful guy who loves me like crazy. But last week Bob, the former love of my life and Joel’s ex-best friend, came back into our lives unexpectedly when he was the seventh and we were the third car in a nine car collision on the local interstate. That’s the three main characters and our conflict in a nutshell. You can mull this over while I serve you refreshments -- a few description paragraphs:
Joel, although 38 years old, has superb muscle tone. His eyes twinkle,
he loves to stuff animals and his family has pots of money…
This is the writer speaking again. Sorry to interrupt, Mandy, but we’re encountering a little unexpected reader resistance. I’ve turned on the NO DESCRIPTIVE PARAGRPAHS sign, and I’d like to ask those readers whose minds have wandered to return to the narrative.
Mandy again. Don’t be alarmed -- a story without descriptive paragraphs is very routine. Thousands of stories carry their readers safely to their conclusions without any descriptive paragraphs whatsoever. This superbly designed story is equipped to continue safely, relying only on ingenious plot twists and snappy dialog.
As I was saying, Bob was not only my high school sweetheart but he was allergic to cats…
This is the writer again. The editor has just informed me that there seems to be a problem with our story. It’s probably nothing -- just a misplaced modifier or a loose epiphany -- but to be on the safe side we’ll have to cut this short by jettisoning 15 or 20 fascinating paragraphs and return as quickly as possible to the bookshelf. Please pay attention as Mandy shows you how to assume the emergency reader protection position.
Mandy here. The emergency reader protection position is as follows: firmly grip the book with both hands. Breathe deeply, KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN. Repeat after me: “What a fine story! What a fine story!”
If you wish, you may remove your shoes.
Wonderful! We’ve got everything under control. Just enough time for me to wrap up the narrative. Yes, I decided to stay with Joel. I couldn’t abandon our life together. The near-fatal incident with the remarkably lifelike stuffed pachyderm in the Jacuzzi made me realize that I needed my husband now more than ever. It was a tough choice. But isn’t tough choices what life is all about?
Thanks, Mandy. This is the writer again. Although the narrative is successfully completed, we ask that you please remain reading until the story comes to a complete stop.
Thank you for reading. We hope that if your future plans include literature, you’ll keep our author in mind.